Contact Info / Websites

MWC Entry Draft

2009-06-08 09:33:26 by amador10
Updated

Here we see the work of man. A human whose skin is now a boiling red viscous liquid. A human who has enormous tumours all over his body, too big that it constantly squirts out colorless pus. A human whose brain is exposed, showing a rotten organ bathed in yellow-green blood. A human who no longer has reason to live.

"Combinatory treatment of streptococci pneumoniae, streptococci pyogenes, and mucorales B failed to immediately necrotize test subject. Commencing euthanasia via release of sludge mutation G."

Sludge pours out from underneath the man's cell and approaches him slowly. He makes no attempt to escape. They latch themselves on to his feet, blood immediately gushing out. The man doesn't move. They move towards the groin while his legs are coated with his own blood. He drops to his knees, not even flinching. The entity has now made its way to his upper abdominal region, starting to eat away his heart. His eyes give out a blank stare to the man with the coat, grinning whilst looking at him intently. He attempts to give him the finger, struggling to raise his hand as the scientist's grin evolves to deranged laughter. Just as he finally raised his middle finger up, his heart was eaten away by the sludge.

Then everything went black.

"Release bacteria toxin F17."

A deep blue gas was then released. This triggered the bacteria's self preservation instincts as they attempted to desperately run away from the gas. Their effort was for no avail. The bacteria slowly fizzled away, the gas being sucked into them. Ultimately, their fate is decided by loud pops and fizzles, turning both gas and sludge into nothingness. Only what is left of the test subject's body remained.

Once everything is all said and done, the scientist leaves, heading for the elevator. As he leaves, he looks at his other works. He sees a woman who has very long hair, fused lips, completely black eyes, and a perfect hourglass figure. The woman's glare pierces into the man's soul, her glare intensifying to such a degree that her hair starts flailing madly like wild snakes. The scientist just waved at her, as if mocking her in her state of imprisonment. Then, he sees a very large black dog which has learned to stand on its hind legs. Its mouth emits a green, sulphurous gas every time it opens. The scientist merely looks at him, raising a rubber ball in the process. The dog makes an attempt to get it, but it merely slams into the tough glass. It falls to the ground, unconscious, and unable to even make a dent on the glass.

"Good boy," the scientist exclaimed. He then places the ball into one of his coat pockets as he enters the elevator.

The elevator stops at the 31st floor, the highest floor. The test subjects here are kept in cryogenic chambers. To help them cope with their hunger, heavily insulated feeding tubes are inserted through their bodies. Special helmets are worn over their heads which enable them to see and hear in cryostasis. However, they also disable the subject's other senses, including speech. These helmets also help to preserve the health of their brain cells and to help detect any anomalies in the subject's body. They also control the breathing of the subject. Various needles are also strategically placed within the chambers for testing purposes.

"Experement 31-F, you're up!"

A cryogenic cylinder hums to life, presenting before the scientist an interesting specimen. The sleeping creature's eyes start to open, slowly awakening from a very deep slumber.

"...beautiful. You, my lady, are very beautiful."

Her blue irises start to focus towards the lone man in the room who can move freely. As she starts to orient herself to her surroundings, she realizes that she is in a cryogenic cylinder, naked.

"...robust bosoms, smooth skin, blue eyes, nice ass, you have everything a man like me could like..."

As she hears the ramblings of the mad scientist, she desperately attempts to get out of her prison, only to realize that she is frozen into place.

"...quite tall, too. I rarely see a woman standing at 6'9... heh heh heh..."

A snicker akin to that of an immature boy's comes out of the man's mouth.

"Don't worry, woman! You'll get out of there and into the wilderness, trust me. Follow me."

The woman stops struggling as the cylinder jolts back to life and suddenly speeds through a series of curves, propelled by a system akin to that of a mix of cable cars and roller coasters. Despite the series of bumps and turns, the person inside stays completely stable. The rough ride finally slows down, revealing to the girl a huge wall of glass, through it a very lush environment filled with weird flora and fauna.

"Beautiful sight, isn't it?"

She sees the scientist walk by the side, holding a remote control.

"Whenever I look at the wilderness, I always think of grapes. They are my favourite fruit. You'll be happy to know that there are many grapes there."

The woman simply attempted to curse him again. No sound comes out.

"This is your new home."

As the ride finally stops, it starts up again at full speed. The velocity of the cylinder was so high that it smashes through the glass. It was also so fast that it pulled itself off of the cable where it was suspended, throwing itself deep into the wilderness. It plummets flat into the ground, completely intact.

"Before you are free, remember some house rules."

Speakers above and below her body suddenly turn on.

"Number one: Don't try to swim away. Once you do, I will activate a nanite that contains a very deadly bioengineered Hantavirus that will kill you in mere seconds."

The chamber's doors slowly open, releasing a cloud of vapour.

"Number two: Don't even try to come back here. If ever even a single hair comes into my building, I won't hesitate to activate the nanite. Would you like to die? I'm pretty sure you don't want to die."

The special helmet that hampers the woman's movement de-attaches itself from her head, revealing long and silky blonde hair.

"And number three..."

At this point, she gets out of the cylinder, breathing a heavy sigh as she sees several ferocious animals: wolf-like with very long tusks and horns made of hard bone, and a tail with a hard spherical shape at the end the size of a basketball.

"...you should always have fun! Good luck!"

A wolf ferociously rushes towards her, ready to tear her apart. As the wolf jumps at her, she crouches, grabbing the wolf by the legs in the process. She then proceeds to apply pressure to its chest to the point that the wolf is struggling for air. While doing this, another wolf attempts to attack her, running towards her like a bullet train. She thinks quickly and throws the wolf she is holding at the oncoming threat. It slides cleanly into the tusks and horns of the other wolf, incapacitating them both. Two more wolves attack from opposite sides. One wolf charges into her, preparing to ram into her with its sharp tusks and horns. The other wolf jumps towards her and rotates so that its big tail will hit her face and leave her unconscious. She dodges both, jumping away from the running wolf and grabbing the tail of the one in mid-air. Wielding the wolf's tail like a mace, she pulls it into the wolf's head, disorienting them both.

As she looks at the aftermath of the fight, she didn't expect a wolf suddenly biting her leg. She quickly kicked it with her other foot. The wolf then scurried back into the woods.

The bite marks stretched towards the majority of her lower leg. Blood was spurting out of every puncture wound like newly-popped zits. Then, as she was contemplating on whether it hurt or not, the puncture wounds started to rapidly heal. The many layers of the skin instantaneously regenerated, as if watching a fast-forwarded video of a wound healing. The woman merely stared in disbelief.

"I... I can't believe it."

"You might as well start to."

She looks behind her and sees a man, also naked. He was a large man, towering at 7'6" and having a very muscular build. He went closer to her, inspecting her leg.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Adam. I was a scientist, until I was knocked out cold while doing a genetic experiment. Next thing I knew, I was locked up in a cell. What about you?"

"I'm Eliza Messier."

The man momentarily froze. His eyes fixated on Eliza's body, scanning her like a powerful supercomputer. He immediately shook his head and flushed away his thoughts for the moment.

"Anything else you'd like to say about yourself?"

The woman took some time to think.

"Well?"

She gave a sigh, raising her head to the heavens and putting her hand on her chin, briefly forgetting about the man beside her.

"I'm guessing it's a no, then?"

She slowly lowered her head to the ground, rubbing her chin. After a few moments of realization, she finally gave a resigned nod.

"I feel sorry for you."

He actually felt a momentary reprieve.

"We need to go away from here. Follow me."

He held her by the hand and marched through the thick, dense forests of the island.

"We're here."

They were at the mouth of a relatively small cave which is large enough for a man to hide in. There were many stalactites above, giving the impression that the cave has very sharp teeth. The inside was faintly illuminated by a weak bonfire, revealing a stack of primitive weapons, a bed made of leaves, and some fruits wrapped in large leaves. Writings that mark how many days have passed akin to those writings in prison also reveal themselves, along with other random writings and expressions.

"This is our new home, if you don't mind to live with me, that is."

"It's not like I have a choice, I suppose."

"Well, we have to find some leaves for you to lie on, first."

He took a weapon from the stack. It was a stick with a sharpened edge. The stick looked like it was waxed perfectly, like a billiards stick. The sharp edge still had some blood on it.

"Alright, let's go."

They hacked their way through the dense forests, finding a tree with leaves big enough for one to lie on. They found trees that are covered with leaves, making the impression that they are gigantic bushes, trees which have very tough trunks with jagged exteriors, and trees which have weird blue and red hues. None of them held what Adam was looking for.

"What about that tree over there?"

The tree was a few feet taller than Adam. The trunk looked like many vines constricted into one, leaving a gap in between where 2 other vines intersected constantly until the top is reached, where the vines finally break free into branches. Hundreds of large leaves approximately four feet long and two feet wide encase the upper portion of the tree.

"Hmm. We could use those leaves, I suppose. It's my first time seeing that kind of tree, though."

"I'm getting one, then."

Eliza climbed the ladder-like trunk of the tree and attempted to get a leaf. No sooner did she step on the third step that the tree started to flail around madly, throwing the girl off-balance. The tree's vines then began to constrict more tightly, as if to form into a new shape. After a few moments, the vines suddenly loosened to reveal a humanoid creature with its limbs constricted into the many vines the tree has. The creature has brown skin, akin to that of the tree's bark. Its mouth was identified by the jagged edges opening up in the head. Its chest revealed a still-beating heart with a greenish-blue hue.

"...my god," the woman said in utter disbelief.

The vines then loosened up some more to give the creature a more humanoid shape. The leaves became the creature's hair and skirt. The vines which extended into branches became its long arms. The roots surface to become feet. Finally, the rest of the vines reinforced the creature's long arms, giving it gargantuan arms that could easily raze a good portion of the whole forest. It picks up Eliza by the head, holds her close to its mouth, and speaks in a deep, ancient voice.

"You alone can end this madness. Take your chances before they-"

Before it could say anymore, a sharp stick is plunged into its heart. It spurts a yellowish substance which smells of honey mixed with ground herbs. The entity arches forward and vomits more of the substance. It then falls to its knees, still vomiting a constant stream of the herbal honey mix. In its agony, it releases Eliza to the ground.

"*cough*...urgh...take your chances...*cough*, before they run out..."

It dropped dead soon afterwards. Adam then began collecting its leaves.

"We better be careful next time, I suppose."

Eliza didn't respond. Her brain was still trying to process what just happened. Who, or what, was that? What was he, she, or it trying to tell me? What does he mean?

"Eliza! Let's go. I have some fruit back in the cave."

He was motioning for her to hurry up. She quickly snapped out of her trance and followed him back to the cave, still thinking about the warning of the entity.

"Forget about it. It was probably trying to mock you."

She thought about that. She knew it wasn't it. There was something else.

"At least you're safe. That's what matters."

She didn't even contemplate about her survival. The monstrosity was obviously trying to communicate with her. Its words still echoed in her head. You alone could end this madness. Take your chances before they run out.

What did it mean?

"You okay?"

She was too deep in thought to realize that they've arrived at the cave.

"Uhh, yeah, I'm fine..."

They went inside. Adam went and got some fruits. They were as large as pineapples and had exteriors which were jagged and as hard as tree bark. There was a crack at the top which enabled Eliza to open it easily.

The inside looked like a big, juicy grape. It smelled very sweet, like grapes. Everything about it reminded her of a grape.

"I have always liked grapes. Whenever I taste this fruit, it immediately reminded me of grapes. They are my favourite fruit," said Adam, who was busy setting up Eliza's bed.

Then, it hit her.

Whenever I look at the wilderness, I always think of grapes. They are my favourite fruit.

The words of the scientist came back to her. She was disoriented at the time, yes, but she still remembered those meaningless words. Those words intermingled with the words of the creature's warning.

You alone could end this madness. Take your chances before they run out.

She dropped the fruit to the ground, holding a gaze that a person with a strong resolve would have. She picked up the weapon that Adam gave her and marched right out of the cave, not knowing where she needs to go, but knowing what she needs to do.

"Eliza, where are you going!?"

She ignored Adam's questions. Every step she took away from the cave increased her resolve all the more. She didn't know why, but she kept going.

"Eliza, speak to me!"

Adam's words became much fainter to her ears compared to the loud thoughts whirling around in her head. There were questions everywhere, and she instantaneously knew who had the answer.

"Eliza!"

It was no use. Adam went back inside the cave.

Meanwhile, the scientist was busy euthanizing another test subject. It was a human-sized porcupine with quills dripping a glowing green, viscous liquid. Its beady eyes looked down to the floor, as if the animal was resigned to its fate.

The scientist's pager vibrated to life. He didn't need to look at it, for he already knew what it meant.

"Houston, we have a problem."

Night is quickly approaching as Eliza navigated her way deeper into the forest. She sees a rock which has a smooth and shiny exterior, as if waxed to a full shine. It was as big as a hill. She ignores the rock to concentrate on her quest. Soon afterwards, she sees it again. And again. And again. And again.

I passed this rock like, what, 7 times!

She became increasingly frustrated. She was very sick of passing through the rock that she gave it a very hard kick. The kick was so hard that she jumped around in sheer pain. And apparently, the kick was so hard that it waked the "rock" up. From under the rock appeared four turtle legs with rock-hard, jagged exteriors, raising the rock even higher than before. A head slowly peered out, showing the face of a calm and amicable turtle with beady eyes, a long, soft beard that exudes wisdom.

Eliza doubled over in surprise, completely forgetting about the pain she was experiencing. It was either the turtle or her innate regeneration ability that made her forget.

"You were the girl that Yggdrasil told me of?" said the turtle.

"You can talk!?"

"Heh heh heh... when you see wolves with tusks and horns, and a guy that is made up of vines, will a talking turtle surprise you?"

The turtle laughed while Eliza gave a nervous giggle. Her frustration settled, but her curiosity is still unquenched. She had a lot of questions, and she needed answers. This was no time for questions, however.

"Can you take me to that building over there?"

She pointed to an tall, austere building looming in the far horizon.

"I knew you needed to do just that. Hop on my back."

A portion of the rock-hard shell sunk, giving Eliza a place to sit on. She climbed the rock and settled snugly into the depression. Once she was comfortable enough, the turtle moved westward, shaking the earth with its every step.

"For a turtle, you're pretty fast."

"Turtles like me have always been fast. I've never seen a slow turtle before in my life."

She was puzzled about this for a moment and remembered she was in an island different from the others. The turtle stopped for a moment, seeing the building's wall.

"Now, hold on. We're about to make a crash course through the belly of hell."

"What!?"

The scientist was on the first floor, inspecting the woman with the living hair. Her eyes concentrated on the floor, averting the eyes of the devil in front of her.

"You don't like me? Well, I don't like you. You're not even worth banging, anyways."

While he was inspecting her, he hears a familiar sound. It was a sound which most men feared. It was the sound of an airplane falling. However, the scientist merely laughed at the thought, though not because of him being a madman.

"I knew you would come."

Then, as quickly as a shooting star crosses over the sea of clouds, the turtle came crashing down into the building. As it broke in, the scientist simply smirked, not even making a move. He was eyeing the gargantuan turtle's movement, his grin slowly widening as his computations were right.

"I don't even have to move."

It drove into the ground, grinding everything in its path. It headed directly for the scientist, its speed slowing down by the second. Just as it was mere inches away from decimating the madman, it went to a full stop.

The turtle's head and legs suddenly popped out. It then proceeded to slam the scientist to the side using its head, disorienting him.

Eliza then went down from the turtle's shell and proceeded to hold the scientist by the collar with her hands, contemplating on the thought of strangling her tormentor to death. A thousand questions stormed into her head, but only two came out of her mouth.

"...why!? Why would you do this to hundreds of innocent people!?"

He broke into a twisted cachinnation of sorts. Eliza slammed his head to the wall, the man still cackling mockingly.

"Innocent!? INNOCENT!? I laugh at the thought. No human is ever innocent. They all deserve to die! And what better way to hit two birds with one stone than this? I get to torment humans AND help a nation with the same perspective annihilate a bunch of other nations!" He immediately let out boisterous guffaws, as if mocking her.

His laughter filled Eliza with such anger that she repeatedly slammed the madman to the wall. Her hatred for him grew with each thud, just as his laughter diminished with each. The turtle merely watched her pour her emotions out.

Then, a sharp stick pressed against Eliza's left temple. It still smelled of honey mixed with ground herbs, though it was much weaker.

"Let him go."

She froze. Her anger slowly turned into fear and anxiety. She wanted to look at her side just to make sure who the assailant is, but she was so afraid. Her grip slowly loosened, and soon, the scientist fell to the ground.

"That's very good of you, Eliza."

She slowly turned her head to her side. Her assumptions were right. He was the same 7'6" man she saw earlier, albeit now clothed in scientific fashion.

"Adam... why?"

"Eliza... it's just business. Don't take it personally."

He went over to the madman's body, fishing out from his lab coat a remote.

"Do you still remember rule number two?"

Number two: Don't even try to come back here. If ever even a single hair comes into my building, I won't hesitate to activate the nanite. Would you like to die? I'm pretty sure you don't want to die.

She didn't want to die. Not yet.

"Please, Adam... don't do this. Please..."

"I don't need your petty tears."

He pressed a button in the remote.

"Stop crying like a baby and die like a man should."

Eliza immediately began to convulse like an epileptic. She sweat torrents of bodily fluids, and soon, tachypnea settled in. All her arteries and veins bulged through her skin as the blood within her circulatory system travelled at a much faster rate than before.

Adam hid the remote in his coat pocket. From his other coat pocket, he got a small gun which was loaded with many needles filled with a clear liquid which eternally boiled. He intently looked at the turtle, who was just standing by, waiting for a possible move.

"Now, it's time for this terrapin to die."

The turtle attempts to hide in his shell, but Adam's marksmanship hit it squarely in the head. Its whole body then began to deform, as if boiling water was being pumped into it. Then, in an instant, his whole body burst into gallons of fluids.

Adam then put the gun back in his pocket. As he did so, however, it was whisked away by a warm, moist hand.

"Stay. Away."

It was Eliza, holding a gun against the two. She was gasping for air as a result of the tachypnea, and her BPM rate increased because of tachycardia. As a result, she was stronger, quicker, and more alert.

"She was still fresh from cryostasis! Her blood vessels are still loose enough to properly pump blood! Didn't I tell you that!?" screamed the madman.

"SHUT UP!"

She shot the scientist directly in the head, causing it to pop like a balloon in a matter of seconds. She then aimed the gun at Adam.

"Eliza... you don't have to do this."

"That's what I said, but you ignored me. You tried to kill me, Adam. People like you two should die. People like you should fucking die."

"No, Eliza... I have always loved you."

She became confused for a moment, still huffing because of tachypnea.

"The world out there... it is a warzone. Every country has waged war with the other. They have ravaged everything. I didn't want you to die there, Eliza."

He was walking near Eliza at this point. She was still cautious about him, but there was something about him that she somehow likes, but can't remember why. Adam started to stroke her long, silky blonde hair.

He placed his hand on her cheek, and prepared to give her a very passionate kiss.

"Please, Eliza, my wife."

Just as their lips met, Eliza's eyes became blank. As they kissed, everything in her life came back like a bullet to the head. In an instant, she knew everything she needed.

"No, Adam. You're not my husband. Not anymore."

Eliza looked at him, and noticed he got the gun she was holding.

"You women are so gullible."

Adam points the gun directly to her stomach.

"For the record, there really was a war going on here. And I am your husband. But I never actually loved you. You bitched too much."

Adam prepared to pulled the trigger.

"Prepare to die."

As he pulled it, he heard nothing but a click. He pulled it again and again, but he only heard the sound of a trigger beating against an inexistent barrel. It was then that he noticed that Eliza crushed the gun barrel and unloaded the needles, disposing of their contents.

"I'm always one step ahead of you."

She gutted Adam with such force that he doubled over in pain. She then proceeded to choke him with both hands. He attempted to break free from her, but the pain he was experiencing left him unable to do so. Slowly, he became weaker and weaker, his vision fading away very fast.

Then, he stopped breathing.

Eliza threw his lifeless body to the ground. She then looked around the chaos that ensued. Everybody's dead. The madman's dead. The turtle's dead. Adam's dead. The tree's dead. And who caused their deaths?

"I'm... I'm just like them..."

She slowly fell to her knees, her eyes fixated on to the cold, hard floor. Thoughts began to whirl around her head, like a ravaging cyclone. Just as she was about to reach her breaking point, someone whispered something to her.

"You did the right thing."

It was the woman with the living hair. She had a smile that immediately gave Eliza the justification she needed. As she looked at the woman, more people began to come out. They were all sorts of people, having either lots of tumors, deformed exteriors, or an unknown defect which has yet to surface. They all gathered around Eliza, showing her how her efforts were not lost.

Eliza, still taken aback by this, started crying. These tears weren't tears of sadness, however; they were tears of joy. Everyone finally got the freedom that they needed.

And she couldn't be happier.


Comments

You must be logged in to comment on this post.


blakedatchblakedatch

2009-06-09 01:58:54

I do not mean to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems your short story is a not quite meeting the contest's rules. It does involve an island, but you only briefly mention it. The contest's guidelines state the island should be significant enough that the story could not go without it. In your story, the setting seems like it could be anywhere. Now, if you disagree, I would at least urge you to contact the judges to see if they agree that your story meets the qualifications.

Otherwise, if you continue with this story, my main suggestion is to describe more. Tell us more about who, what, when, where, and why. You have a unique idea; it just seems all hazy right now.

amador10 responds:

This island thing? It has all these undiscovered bacteria. It also has this volcano I'll describe later on. This is a draft after all. I know what I'm doing.

What do you think about the story itself though?


blakedatchblakedatch

2009-06-09 20:11:48

I can't truthfully tell you. That's the problem with unfinished drafts; I need the entire story to create a constructive opinion. You have time though; I hope to read your finished story.


danicosdanicos

2009-06-18 22:44:50

wats UR point?


LeeJaySanLeeJaySan

2009-06-24 09:46:30

Interesting, by the fact that there are a lot of weird things happening. The story itself was thrilling, I even had a vision of what's going on in the story. It's like a fight for their lives.

Advice: so far it's really that good. I love the suspense. Always gives me good chills in the spine.

"I wonder what happens to Eliza next?" Make the next part in a flash.


drorfannkyldrorfannkyl

2009-06-26 18:54:12

Neat story. The only thing that bothered me was the re-use of words in sentences; it made it feel a bit redundant. For example:

<em>Here we see the work of man. A human whose skin is now a boiling red viscous liquid. A human who has enormous tumours all over his body, too big that it constantly squirts out a colourless, viscous liquid.</em>

You used "viscous liquid" twice in two sentences. May I suggest something like "colourless, thick puss," or something like that.

Further down you write:

<em>As he pulled it, he heard nothing but a click. He pulled it again and again, but he only heard clicks.</em>

Instead of using click again, use something like "but he only heard the trigger beat against an empty barrel."

But as a whole, solid stuff. Keep us the good work, and if you have time, could you please review mine? It's <em>Roman Betrayal</em>, and it's on the contest submission page.

amador10 responds:

Whoa. I never saw that viscous liquid part. Thanks for the heads up. And thanks for those tips dude. I'll be sure to review your story sometime.


blakedatchblakedatch

2009-06-27 02:50:51

I'm glad I saved my opinions from earlier because you have developed an entirely different and more interesting piece!

To begin, compliments: You have a damn creative idea, definitely one of the most creative I have seen so far in this contest. Many of the descriptions are also well-executed. The imagery you give is also intriguing.

Criticisms: The largest one is your verb tense. You constantly switch from past to present tense. It is very tiring to slog through the shifting tenses, but luckily, this can be easily fixed with basic editing.

Your piece's tone also doesn't quite sit well with me. At times, the tone is brutal and cutting, at other times more whimsical. Even other times, the two combine to form a more sadistic tone. While none of these types of tone are bad, I felt as if you couldn't stick to one of them. From what I've read, you want this to be a dark story which at times can be sickly funny. With this draft, you sometimes accomplish this, but too many times, like with the introduction of the turtle, the story becomes almost too fantastical to keep this dark feeling.

My final main criticism is you're stuffing your story with so many elements that they either become perposterous or one-dimensional. This problem becomes especially evident in the ending. To put it basically, Eliza comes to save the day on a mutated turtle before being apprehended by a once-nude man who ends up being her husband, and after pretending to love her, he really doesn't, but before he can do anything, she acts before him and triumphs. Now, I realize I am being harsh right now because you wrote it pretty well, but nonetheless, I was reeling at the end. The turtle, although it brought Eliza to the building, seems more like a easy way of advancing the plot rather than a vital element. And Adam, who I thought originally wasn't fleshed out enough to be interesting, suddenly becomes so central to the conflict that I can't quite believe it. The marriage plot also seems rather unnecessary.

Now, please, let me apologize if I sound too harsh. Although I stand by my criticisms, I also think you have a creative and pretty well-written piece (although you need to watch your words a bit--you repeat some words way too often). As with all pieces, my opinions are only opinions, so please only take what you agree with. I often say things that can be a load of bullocks, so you determine what is valuable.

amador10 responds:

There is no need to apologize. I just wrote this story as I went along, editing other parts when it started to go over the word limit. It has, like, 4489 words. I had to cram many stuff in there while deleting other ones, so I guess I couldn't see the big picture properly or something.

And you were right in saying that the turtle was merely to speed the story up. I was just writing about how Eliza was lost and kept passing through a rock, and then it evolved to a gigantic rock turtle. I guess I have to edit that now that I have a somewhat grander idea.

Adam was supposed to be the character that was part of a conspiracy, much like the villains in Dan Brown's stories. I sort of added him to the mix so that the reader would somehow know that Eliza being thrown out of the building is merely an experiment in itself.

Thank you for your many criticisms. I will edit this story immediately.